When I heard the news that Jamie was dead...I cried and cried and cried and cried.
I was in the middle of a meeting with a college student named Sydney.
He just sat there, confused.
I hung up the phone, looked at Sydney and told him the bad news.
This time he sat there, and listened.
It was now 6:30pm Thursday evening and Sydney and I needed to go to a Bible Study which I lead for a group of college students. Every ounce of mental and emotional energy inside of me said: Avert...Avert...Don't go, stay home, you're a mess and people will see you cry, rest up and get stronger, etc etc etc. Sydney asked me what I would like him to do. Knowing that the best thing to do when your hurting is not to run away from relationships but run towards them...Through tears, I asked Sydney to drive me. He did.
In the car I cried and reflected and Sydney drove and listened.
In Bible study I cried and shared for a brief moment and then I listened to my students as they sought to lead each other in worship and study.
After the study, Sydney knew that I needed to get home to tell Heidi so he got his keys and drove me home.
In the car I cried and reflected and again Sydney drove and listened.
At one point, after a long long silence, I looked over at Sydney wondering what he was doing and if I should break the silence. He was just driving. But as I looked closer, I saw that he wasn't just driving...the look on his face was distraught. He was empathizing. He was sad for Jaime's family and friends that he left behind. He said nothing....he just drove and empathized. Part of me wanted to scream at him, "say something wise. fix it. make me feel better!!"...but part of me didn't. It was in that moment I realized that Sydney was my pastor.
Right now I'm thinking about Sydney...
about his silence, his driving, his empathy.
Is God sometimes like this?
When we think he should speak, say something, fix things, he sits next to us...and listens.
Is God like Sydney?
Driving when we don't have the strength...empathizing.
Driving when we don't have the strength...empathizing.
Isaiah 53:4 says, "Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried"
Is God like Sydney?
Near to those who grieve...listening to their cry.
Near to those who grieve...listening to their cry.
Psalm 34:18a says, "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted"
Psalm 34:15 says, "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their cry"
My unlikely young college student was the presence of Jesus in a devastating/destabilizing space...
Where is God when it hurts? In unexpected places...
In who or whom has God used to encounter you?
On another note...
There are some resources about Jaime Evans that I want to remember:
Jamie Evans - In Loving Memory - Facebook page
Jamie Evans - Obituary
Jamie Evans - Article in Fresno Bee
Jamie Evans - blog post about "deep pain"
Jamie Evans - blog post about "grief"
Jamie Evans - blog post about "anger"
Sermon by Christ Erdman, friend of Jaime's, helping University Presbyterian grieve
Sermon by David Abbo, helping First Presbyterian Church grieve
Sermon by Jamie Evans - His last sermon
19 comments:
Thank you for writing these blogs, Joe. Your words speak to my heart and I love the scriptures you reference. As Donald has already set, Jaime meant so much to he and I and will forever help define our marriage and our faith. Thank you for putting into words what my heart and mind cannot yet articulate.
Hannah,
Thanks so much for your comment. That's encouraging...
Praying for you to get your passport issues resolved as well.
Donald,
Crazy enough...but they came....unexpectedly this morning! We booked the tickets and we are coming back
Thanks for praying...
Joe
Joe, as impossibly tough as it is right now for many, I believe it is hardest for young men and women such as you and Heidi. However, I also believe that God has granted you special gifts and that you are finding your voice as a pastor in this time. Thank you, little brother.
Gerre
Gerre,
Thanks for the encouragement. It's good to know the people of God have a common voice in times of grief and loss.
And we wait in expectation for a Kingdom come fully realized! This is where our hope is...
Joe
I weep as I read this Joe... weeping for you in your grief and for Jamie's family in their loss.
I am also encouraged to hear that those you are discpling to be more like Jesus are a reflection of Christ so that they can be a blessing not only to others, but also to you in your joy and in pain.
Barry
Barry,
Your words are so encouraging. Thanks.
To be totally honest...Heidi and I have felt SO BLESSED by our students (and parents of our students). They pray, listen, love, and care...They are the practical comfort of Christ in this season. Little glittering images of the resurrection, new life, and kingdom come...
This means SO MUCH to us.
Thanks for the note.
-Joe
Joe,
Like I stated in a previous email - I don't know you - we never met, not that I remember. Through your blog though we are connected - through Jamie - through grief.
Thank you again for your honesty in your words. I am longing for the tears to roll down my face. I am still so stunned. I am always at the cusp of crying and every once and a while a few tears escape - but it's like disbelief is holding me back. It's as if I cry - it makes it real and I don't want it to be real. God has woken me up and I want nothing more than for it all to have been a dream.
I wept when I first heard the news - I was sitting next to my father, he was like your college student. He never met Jamie but he knew the impact this was going to have. And strangely enough I now sit 3,000 miles away paralyzed by it all. Perhaps the distance is a blessing.
I remember praying on Tuesday mornings with Jamie - and he would pace, and get down on the floor sometimes - he couldn't sit still, and I remember loving that about him. He made praying such an activity. Who said you had to just sit there or kneel and not move?? All I can do is sit still right now though and remember. I am longing for the release.
Bless you and your family in your travels to Fresno.
Thanks again for the blog.
Grace and peace,
~Maureen~
Richmond, VA
Again, Joe, THANK YOU and BLESS YOU!! Even if they haven't left posts, I know that many people I have linked to this blog have been blessed this past week by your beautiful words and heart as they, too, reckon with this shocking, awful loss of our friend.
If I may share a lovely reminder that God hears and knows our laments! As you so aptly called it, Joe, our laments!
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2010/02/how-knowing-what-god-is-really-keeping.html
In Christ.
Empathy is such a rarely referenced emotion, but it is a powerful one. To know that someone is joining you in your pain simply because they care for you and want to be where you are, even if it's painful, is such a gracious act of mercy. Praise the Lord for Sydneys' ability to empathize and for the light he was able to shine on our Lord through doing so.
Is this the same young man who used to eat pizza on TV trays in our living room so many years ago? How wise you've become, dear Joe. Thank you for allowing us to see inside your pain and experience it with you. Thank you for laying all that pain at the Savior's feet and being open to the Holy Spirit to lead you to the Living Word for comfort and strength, which you then turn around and use to comfort the rest of us when we are grasping for the same answers you are. God bless you as you continue down this difficult path called life that is now void of a close mentor. But because your true source is God, and not man, you will continue to bless us all, I'm sure, with His continued work in your life.
Is this the same young man who used to eat pizza on TV trays in our living room so many years ago? How wise you've become, dear Joe. Thank you for allowing us to see inside your pain and experience it with you. Thank you for laying all that pain at the Savior's feet and being open to the Holy Spirt to lead you to the Living Word for comfort and strength, which you then turn around and use to comfort the rest of us when we are grasping for the same answers you are. God bless you as you continue down this difficult path called life that is now void of a close mentor. But because your true source is God, and not man, you will continue to bless us all, I'm sure, with His continue work in your life.
Maureen,
Thanks so much for your post. It's comforting to know the people of God have a common voice in times of grieve.
Joe
Ann,
Thanks for posting. I looked at your website and subsequently bookmarked it! Thanks for your thoughts...
Joe
Vanessa and Kimberly,
I miss you guys! Glad to know that we are still connected in the virtual world. Thanks so much for your thoughts...they heal
Joe
Not that I think anyone needs to know this - but I feel like this is a good place for me to express...
I cried today. Finally.
I was actually getting nervous that the longer I didn't cry the more awful it would be when I did.
It was the end of the day at work and someone asked if I was okay. I'd been brooding all day long. Suddenly it was as if I had permission just to let it out.
I let it out loud. It felt good.
I was dismissed from work after a long talk with the boss who very graciously wished they could take this away from me.
I drove to my favorite place - a garden across the river. I ran down the 100 steps down to the Japanese Gardens. Everything was dead, I was exhausted but relieved.
The Japanese Garden is something really magical in the spring, and although it got to be in the sixties today it's not hit just yet. Give that place about six weeks and it will be blooming again with life and breath taking beauty, I told myself.
And suddenly it was as if my words about the garden were speaking into my own life - not the time frame... but time itself. Give it time - life will bloom again. Keep sowing the seeds.
I share this with you all as a message of hope.
Thanks Joe.
Maux,
Thank you for sharing. Your words are...in some mysterious way...our words.
These are words which heal.
Thanks,
Joe
Possibly the BEST read I have read all day!?
Josue
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